What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A NERVOUS WRECK!!!

27 Dec

Originally posted at Three Blog Night.

So how was it, then? You know. That thing. That thing where we all celebrated the birth of a fat beardy guy in a red suit. Christmas. Mine was nice. I probably ate too much. I definitely drank too much. What did you get? I got drunk and novelty socks. Also books. Lots and lots of books. I think that my family are starting to begrudgingly accept that I’m a massive nerd. I didn’t really own books before. Now I definitely own books. Many, many books. What do you call a group of books? A murder or something isn’t it? That’s usually the answer. A murder. I got a murder of books. Maybe even a massacre. So many goddamn books. Goddamn love books though, damn it. Damn. God damn.

Here are some jokes:

Who’s the most famous married woman in the USA?
Mrs. Sippii!

Why don’t ducks tell jokes while they’re flying?
Because they would quack up!

How do snails keep their shells shiny?
They use snail varnish!


I didn’t write those. They were in our Christmas crackers. They’re hilarious because of the exclamation marks that they put on the end of the punchlines. Look at how hilarious this sentence is! And this one! Not this one though. This one’s Australian AND hilarious?!

Here are a few of my old jokes that will tragically never make it into any Christmas crackers because they lack enthusiastic punctuation, and also do not in any way follow the format of Christmas cracker jokes:

I bought my infinite number of monkeys some typewriters for Christmas. They mostly just pulled the keys off and shat on them.

The tension on this bus is so thick I could cut it with the large, blood-soaked axe that I have in my hand.

Snow is like a newborn baby: wondrous and beautiful at first, but then the novelty wears off and you just want to maim it with a shovel and throw salt at it.

I imagine that you will have already read those on twitter because I imagine that you read everything that I post on twitter. I imagine that whilst I’m lying in the foetal position naked, crying and clutching my laptop to my chest.

I should probably go and interact with the family now. Or at least put some clothes on. If I don’t write again before 2011: Happy New Year!

If I do write again before 2011 then I hope you have a miserable New Year.


3 Responses to “What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A NERVOUS WRECK!!!”

  1. Della January 3, 2011 at 12:10 pm #

    What did the policeman say to the snowman?

    That was one of my cracker jokes.




  1. Next Christmas I will punch an elderly relative so that I have something interesting to write about. « I have no idea what I'm doing. - December 29, 2011

    […] year I was drunk when I tried to write a post-Christmas blog post so I only really had the capacity to recycle three jokes that I’d written 12 months before. […]


  2. The Ghost of Christmas Disappointment. « I have no idea what I'm doing. - December 30, 2012

    […] Christmas! It’s too late for a Christmas post now. Here are the ones from the past two years: last year and the year before that. […]


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