You probably don’t want to read this.

14 Feb

Originally posted at Three Blog Night.

Hello! I wrote this for my college newsletter. Like everything that I create, it’s pretty terrible, but it was accidentally maimed by the editor during formatting so I’m posting it up here so that my friends who read it in print can see it in its full horror. My funnier, smarter friend Conor wrote a much better piece for it. You should read his blog.

Valentine’s Day, which was first conceived in 1967 as a national holiday celebrating the work of Irish singer Val Doonican according to this Wikipedia page that I just edited, can be pretty hard. For single people, it can act as a constant, glaring reminder of how sad, miserable and lonely their lives are. For people that aren’t single, it can act as a constant, glaring reminder of how sad, miserable and long their lives will be if the relationship works out and they have to go through the whole thing every year until they die. In an effort to make things easier, I’ve written some tips that I think will improve February 14th for everyone!

  1. No more roses. Roses are covered in tiny dangerous knives! Nothing says “I have not thoroughly considered the potential ramifications of my gift” like a rose. If you’re into the whole plant thing, why not give your loved one a potato? Everyone loves potatoes, and if your valentine has the misery of their single friends on their conscience then they can donate it to one of them because potatoes are perfect for yet another lonely meal for one!
  2. Either your valentine is too old for teddy bears clutching pink hearts that say “Be mine”, or you’re doing something illegal. I recommend taxidermy as an alternative. Not only will this demonstrate your commendable maturity, but this way, no matter how cold and devoid of feeling the eyes of your valentine might be whilst you’re trying to make conversation over dinner, they will always be warmer and more loving than those of the dead badger sitting on the mantelpiece beside you.
  3. Sometimes, things go wrong, and you realise that it is important that your valentine knows about these things, but you don’t want to upset them on such a special day. So tell them in a poem! Who said that honesty and romance were mutually exclusive? Nobody! That question was rhetorical! Here is an example:
    Roses are red,
    Violets are blue,
    I slept with your sister.

Happy Valentine’s Day!


3 Responses to “You probably don’t want to read this.”

  1. Stephen Curry February 14, 2011 at 11:33 pm #

    Like the potato suggestion. I’m sure Val would approve…


  2. critic February 15, 2011 at 12:18 pm #




  1. Tweets that mention You probably don’t want to read this. « Three Blog Night -- - February 14, 2011

    […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Ray Thomas, Della. Della said: The alternative Valentine's perspective of @AbrasiveShrub […]


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