Archive | November, 2011

My navel is looking radiant this evening.

25 Nov

Originally posted at Three Blog Night.

They say that the best way to attract and maintain a blog readership is to write nothing for 6 months at a time and treat your audience with contempt and flagrant disrespect.

You’ve put on weight.

Hey, it’s a good job that this blog has 7 other reliable authors writing on it or it wouldn’t have been updated at all since May! OH SNAP.

Lots has happened since my last post here. Some people got sick. Some people died. I didn’t write anything for a bit because I am a small, weak and emotionally fragile child that failed to cope with the basic concept of human mortality. But I am back now. You lucky people.

In my absence, I have aged. I am 21 now, in my final year of university, and I really need to get my shit together. A lot of my friends here are in the process of applying for postgraduate courses and I would quite like to but OH MY GOD SO EXPENSIVE. I have spent every single day since the beginning of my degree consumed by the guilt of paying so much to sit around looking pensive for 3 years, and I reckon that, as much as I might really want to do it, if I spent more loaned money on a master’s the contrition would make me explode. I think that I should probably just get a job. It doesn’t matter what job. Any job at all. If one of you has a fence that needs painting or something, I am definitely up for that. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to decide what it is that I want to do, and I’ve come to the conclusion that I am in no position to pick and choose. Everyone wants to write, and far too many are more qualified, experienced and academically able than I am for me to stand any chance of success. Even just at this one university there are shitheaps of people that want to do the same thing that I wanted to do and they’re all smarter than I am. And extending that across the rest of the country serves to demonstrate reason #493 that I will be perpetually unemployed.

Every so often I’m asked about what I want to do after I leave Oxford, and if I’m honest enough to mention that really my main aspiration is just to earn enough to buy food then I’m met with varying levels of derision depending on who I’m talking to and how unrealistically high their expectations of me are. But I think that a lot of what some might perceive as my lack of ambition stems from the fact that Oxford was something that I sort of fell into and even after 2 years I don’t think that I’ve ever really settled into the idea of being here. Having flat-out ignored every Aimhigher presentation given at my secondary school with the stubborn preconception that it was way too expensive and I was way too stupid, it wasn’t until I was 17 and one of the teachers at my new sixth form suggested, with a surprising lack of irony, that I apply to Oxbridge that I even considered trying for university. And even by the time I came to apply – even by the time I’d got an offer from Oxford – there was never any certainty that I’d go through with it because THREE THOUSAND TWO HUNDRED AND TWENTY FIVE POUNDS A YEAR YOU GUYS ARE YOU SERIOUS? There was never a point where I decided, “right, this is what I’m doing now and this is where it’s going to take me” because I’ve always felt like Oxford is this amazing little bubble of privilege where I get to spend 3 years living on loans and bursaries and pretending to be smarter and richer than I am before it bursts and everything goes back to being how it was before. Like I’ve been plucked out of nowhere and for no good reason and allowed to see a part of society that I barely even knew existed, but that I shouldn’t get too comfortable because it’s only for a short while. I imagine that, all being well, I will leave here next summer with an average grade from an above-average university and that will be the end of it all.

Anyway to cut a long story short I’ve decided to become a drug baron and force anyone that manages to find graduate-level employment to carry out menial tasks and refer to me as Kingpin Stevens.

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