Archive | December, 2011

Next Christmas I will punch an elderly relative so that I have something interesting to write about.

28 Dec

Originally posted at Three Blog Night.

Last year I was drunk when I tried to write a post-Christmas blog post so I only really had the capacity to recycle three jokes that I’d written 12 months before. This year I am not drunk because it is 8am.

Not very drunk.

I’m still at home. I was only supposed to be home for Christmas Day and Boxing Day, but staying here instead of going back to student accommodation means that I don’t have to shower in cold water or live on pasta and toast and dust. I’ll probably go back today. I’ve run out of stuff to wear. I couldn’t carry any clothes when I travelled home for Christmas. Good thing my mum had me covered.

I am 21 years old.

Did you have a good Christmas? I had a good Christmas. It was quiet though. I don’t want to sound ungrateful, but getting on with your family and not having any fights or arguments or throwing their terrible gifts in their stupid fucking faces is all well and good until you’re trying to write something entertaining about it on your blog a few days later. Saying that, there was a moment when I thought it was all going to kick off. My eldest brother, Iain, was watching a film and Doctor Who was on and my mum said, “didn’t Heather want to watch Doctor Who?” and Iain said, “I don’t know” and I said, “it’s okay, I can watch it on iPlayer.” So that was close.

Iain gave me a DVD. Sharktopus. Apparently he wanted to get Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus but HMV didn’t have it. Sharktopus was a joke present but my mum forgot to give me my main present from him and his girlfriend, so I thought he’d just got me Sharktopus. I was really happy with just getting Sharktopus. Rightly:

When I first watched that trailer about a year ago I thought, “this is ridiculous. Sharktopus would never be able to use its tentacles to walk on land like that” but a few weeks ago I saw this video and now I realise that actually the whole thing is entirely plausible and realistic that is what makes it a horror.

This year is the first year that I’ve had shit eyes, so I was given two glasses cases. One for each glass. One has Pac-Man on it and the other says “@AbrasiveShrub” in fluorescent green letters because I am a brand now. I also got a bag with Daffy Duck on it and two Disney hoodies and two novelty hats and some lego jewellery and a Spongebob SquarePants calendar and all sorts of other things that accurately reflect my wants and, by extension, the fact that I am having a mid-midlife crisis. They’re not supposed to be ironic statements or anything. If I wear a Disney jumper and a novelty hat and a lego bracelet then I am still a kid because I can’t be an adult because LOOK AT THE HAT YOU GUYS AN ADULT WOULD NOT WEAR THIS HAT.

An adult would not wear this hat.

I am wearing that hat.

I never know how to end these posts.




25 Dec

Originally posted at Three Blog Night.

I am at home. Not my Oxford pseudo-home. My actual proper Swadlincote home. It’s 5am on Christmas Day and I think I fell asleep on the sofa some time around 12.30 and my dog just woke me up with his incessant barking and now nobody else is up and I can’t get back to sleep. He never barks like that unless there’s someone at the door. There wasn’t anyone at the door, but THERE ARE PRESENTS EVERYWHERE YOU GUYS SANTA MUST HAVE BEEN WHILE I WAS SLEEPING I AM SO EXCITED!

I haven’t finished wrapping presents yet. Also, when I say, “I haven’t finished wrapping presents yet” what I mean is, “I started trying to wrap presents at about 10.30pm and had managed to do four and cover my room in cellotape by 11.15pm and then I got my mum to do the rest for me because DIFFICULT and I still haven’t put gift tags on any of them and now I can’t remember which are for whom because THEY ARE DISGUISED BY WRAPPING PAPER WHAT A TERRIBLE INVENTION.” So Christmas will be a surprise for everyone this year. I hope my gran likes Skyrim.

This is very brief and I don’t have anything interesting to say. I’m mostly writing it because people keep complaining about how bad I am at keeping this thing updated. So here is an update. And now I am going to take my dog for a walk and then wait for my family to wake up and give them their presents and watch awful television and play with novelty gifts and eat too much and get drunk and probably break at least one ornament. Maybe before noon. Merry Christmas!

Christmas, exactly as it should be.

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