New year, new me!

HAHA ONLY JOKING looking forward to making exactly the same mistakes I’ve made every other year.

Hey happy new year everyone can’t believe it’s 2013 already! Can’t wait to tell everyone I haven’t seen them since last year so they’ll think I’m really funny and want to be my friend.

I was watching the Christmas episode of Would I Lie to You about 12 hours after I’d written my previous post and Barry Cryer was talking about how he had been in hospital over Christmas because of his eczema and he said “happy eczemas” so I text my friend Alex complaining that now it looked like I’d stolen my terrible pun from a really popular TV show and he told me not to worry because it’s been done loads of times before so PHEW YOU GUYS glad I’m just super unoriginal rather than a thief!

What’s the most appalling gift you gave this year? I bought Cards Against Humanity (UK Edition) for one of my brothers. It’s a party game where one player draws a black card – a statement with a missing word, or a question – and reads it out. Every other player then chooses one of their white cards to fill in the blank, and the person with the funniest answer wins. Here’s an example:

Actually grandma let’s play charades.

My little sister came home at 1.30AM today after a New Year’s Eve party at her friend’s house and she was drunk. I could tell that she was drunk because of the way she said “I am drunk.” I’d never seen her drunk before so it was really weird. She’s 21 now but because she’s my little sister I still think of her as like 12 which is why I forgot to share the eggnog on Christmas Day.

DRANK ALL THE THINGS

I haven’t made any resolutions this year. Mostly because I just forgot. My friend Martin says that I need to do some gigs or some writing before the end of 2014 or he will set fire to me and that is the kind of resolution that I’d like to make – avoiding going on fire, and also writing or saying some words or something – but realistically I think that it won’t happen and I’ll end up going on fire yet again.

I give the friends I mention in my blog posts names so it’s harder for you to figure out that I’ve made them up.

It’s beginning to look a lot like eczemas.

Someone found my blog on Sunday by searching “i need help i have no clue what i’m doing and no dogs”.

At least I have a dog.

Hey you guys it’s 4.30am on Christmas Day! Merry Christmas you guys!

I am writing a blog post at 4.30am on Christmas Day because I was awake until 7am yesterday and then slept until early afternoon and now my body clock is messed up. I was awake until 7am yesterday because I was at a party all night having sex with a succession of attractive and charming young men. Also by at a party all night having sex with a succession of attractive and charming young men I mean in bed at my mum’s house trying to claw my skin off because I have a deeply uncomfortable and unsightly skin condition that flared up within hours of me arriving home for Christmas LOL I will die alone.

I want to go to sleep because my brother will get up super early and wake everyone up so that he can open his presents and play with his new toys.

My brother is 36 years old.

He doesn’t even live here. Last Christmas he commuted dressed like this.

I finished all of my Christmas wrapping a few hours ago. Also by “I” I mean “my mum”. Except for her presents. I wrapped those.

And did a really professional job.

Instead of getting a job I am thinking of starting an online business that will provide services in gift-wrapping and professional, bespoke, artistic greeting card design. Here is the professional, bespoke, artistic greeting card that I designed for my sister’s 21st birthday. As you can see, it includes both her single interest – giraffes – and the number 21.

In your eye, Hallmark.

Now it’s 6am because I paused mid-post to have a discussion with my friend Rob over facebook chat about whether he’d had a dream about going downstairs and drinking some orange juice or had actually gone downstairs and drank some orange juice.

Might add a tagline to my blog:

“Every post more disappointing than the last.”

The Ghost of Christmas Disappointment.

Carphone Warehouse? More like Carphone Shithouse!

BOOM! ZING! WHAMMO! I AM DRUNK!

Way back in June I bought a phone from Carphone Warehouse and it was faulty and a few weeks ago I decided that I should probably do something about the fact that I’d been sold a broken mobile phone like half a year ago, so I took it in to one of their repair centres. And they looked at it for 2 minutes, formatted it and gave it back to me saying it was fixed and then I took it back the next day being all like “hey this is still broken” and they were like “oh yeah haha actually it is broken here is a steam-powered contraption from the 19th century that’s never heard of the internet for you to use while we take 17 years to fix the broken phone that we sold you you’re welcome.”

And then some other stuff. I was going to write a whole post about my broken phone and how much I struggled to cope with its basic replacement because of how spoilt I’ve clearly become and how surprised I was by my dependence on my smartphone, but I got bored halfway through. Imagine if proper writers did that:
“‘Harry – yer a wizard.’
There was a silence inside the hut. Only the sea and the whistling wind could be heard.
‘I’m a what?’ gasped Harry and then some other stuff happened and Harry beat a bunch of baddies and everything was fine come on guys there’s a cupboard full of alcohol here it’s Christmas jeez.”

Christmas! It’s too late for a Christmas post now. Here are the ones from the past two years: last year and the year before that.

I’m not sure it’s really too late to write a Christmas post, I just don’t have anything interesting to say. I don’t have anything interesting to say because I haven’t really been outdoors for a while. I’ve been spending most of my time reading about dead fish and looking at pictures of dead fish in an effort to salvage my degree. There’s a type of fish called the remora that has a dorsal fin modified into a sucker so that it can hitch rides on other fish and also do awesome Klingon impressions at parties:

It’s not going very well. The degree-salvaging. I’m not sure I’m going back to Oxford next month. I’m probably not. Not in the capacity that I was supposed to be, at least. But that’s another thing I need to figure out how to write about. I’ll probably move back there in the new year with the aim of resuming my degree at a later date but it’s all a bit of a mess really.

I am a disappointment to everyone apart from myself. But the good news is that I’m hopefully on track to graduate before my 40th birthday. HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYBODY!

Next Christmas I will punch an elderly relative so that I have something interesting to write about.

Originally posted at Three Blog Night.

Last year I was drunk when I tried to write a post-Christmas blog post so I only really had the capacity to recycle three jokes that I’d written 12 months before. This year I am not drunk because it is 8am.

Not very drunk.

I’m still at home. I was only supposed to be home for Christmas Day and Boxing Day, but staying here instead of going back to student accommodation means that I don’t have to shower in cold water or live on pasta and toast and dust. I’ll probably go back today. I’ve run out of stuff to wear. I couldn’t carry any clothes when I travelled home for Christmas. Good thing my mum had me covered.

I am 21 years old.

Did you have a good Christmas? I had a good Christmas. It was quiet though. I don’t want to sound ungrateful, but getting on with your family and not having any fights or arguments or throwing their terrible gifts in their stupid fucking faces is all well and good until you’re trying to write something entertaining about it on your blog a few days later. Saying that, there was a moment when I thought it was all going to kick off. My eldest brother, Iain, was watching a film and Doctor Who was on and my mum said, “didn’t Heather want to watch Doctor Who?” and Iain said, “I don’t know” and I said, “it’s okay, I can watch it on iPlayer.” So that was close.

Iain gave me a DVD. Sharktopus. Apparently he wanted to get Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus but HMV didn’t have it. Sharktopus was a joke present but my mum forgot to give me my main present from him and his girlfriend, so I thought he’d just got me Sharktopus. I was really happy with just getting Sharktopus. Rightly:

When I first watched that trailer about a year ago I thought, “this is ridiculous. Sharktopus would never be able to use its tentacles to walk on land like that” but a few weeks ago I saw this video and now I realise that actually the whole thing is entirely plausible and realistic that is what makes it a horror.

This year is the first year that I’ve had shit eyes, so I was given two glasses cases. One for each glass. One has Pac-Man on it and the other says “@AbrasiveShrub” in fluorescent green letters because I am a brand now. I also got a bag with Daffy Duck on it and two Disney hoodies and two novelty hats and some lego jewellery and a Spongebob SquarePants calendar and all sorts of other things that accurately reflect my wants and, by extension, the fact that I am having a mid-midlife crisis. They’re not supposed to be ironic statements or anything. If I wear a Disney jumper and a novelty hat and a lego bracelet then I am still a kid because I can’t be an adult because LOOK AT THE HAT YOU GUYS AN ADULT WOULD NOT WEAR THIS HAT.

An adult would not wear this hat.

I am wearing that hat.

I never know how to end these posts.

IN A BIT.

IT’S CHRISTMAS DAY WAKE UP I AM SO EXCITED!

Originally posted at Three Blog Night.

I am at home. Not my Oxford pseudo-home. My actual proper Swadlincote home. It’s 5am on Christmas Day and I think I fell asleep on the sofa some time around 12.30 and my dog just woke me up with his incessant barking and now nobody else is up and I can’t get back to sleep. He never barks like that unless there’s someone at the door. There wasn’t anyone at the door, but THERE ARE PRESENTS EVERYWHERE YOU GUYS SANTA MUST HAVE BEEN WHILE I WAS SLEEPING I AM SO EXCITED!

I haven’t finished wrapping presents yet. Also, when I say, “I haven’t finished wrapping presents yet” what I mean is, “I started trying to wrap presents at about 10.30pm and had managed to do four and cover my room in cellotape by 11.15pm and then I got my mum to do the rest for me because DIFFICULT and I still haven’t put gift tags on any of them and now I can’t remember which are for whom because THEY ARE DISGUISED BY WRAPPING PAPER WHAT A TERRIBLE INVENTION.” So Christmas will be a surprise for everyone this year. I hope my gran likes Skyrim.

This is very brief and I don’t have anything interesting to say. I’m mostly writing it because people keep complaining about how bad I am at keeping this thing updated. So here is an update. And now I am going to take my dog for a walk and then wait for my family to wake up and give them their presents and watch awful television and play with novelty gifts and eat too much and get drunk and probably break at least one ornament. Maybe before noon. Merry Christmas!

Christmas, exactly as it should be.