Tag Archives: dog

It’s beginning to look a lot like eczemas.

25 Dec

Someone found my blog on Sunday by searching “i need help i have no clue what i’m doing and no dogs”.

At least I have a dog.

Hey you guys it’s 4.30am on Christmas Day! Merry Christmas you guys!

I am writing a blog post at 4.30am on Christmas Day because I was awake until 7am yesterday and then slept until early afternoon and now my body clock is messed up. I was awake until 7am yesterday because I was at a party all night having sex with a succession of attractive and charming young men. Also by at a party all night having sex with a succession of attractive and charming young men I mean in bed at my mum’s house trying to claw my skin off because I have a deeply uncomfortable and unsightly skin condition that flared up within hours of me arriving home for Christmas LOL I will die alone.

I want to go to sleep because my brother will get up super early and wake everyone up so that he can open his presents and play with his new toys.

My brother is 36 years old.

He doesn't even live here. Last Christmas he commuted dressed like this.

He doesn’t even live here. Last Christmas he commuted dressed like this.

I finished all of my Christmas wrapping a few hours ago. Also by “I” I mean “my mum”. Except for her presents. I wrapped those.

And did a really professional job.

Instead of getting a job I am thinking of starting an online business that will provide services in gift-wrapping and professional, bespoke, artistic greeting card design. Here is the professional, bespoke, artistic greeting card that I designed for my sister’s 21st birthday. As you can see, it includes both her single interest – giraffes – and the number 21.

In your eye, Hallmark.

Now it’s 6am because I paused mid-post to have a discussion with my friend Rob over facebook chat about whether he’d had a dream about going downstairs and drinking some orange juice or had actually gone downstairs and drank some orange juice.

Might add a tagline to my blog:

“Every post more disappointing than the last.”



25 Dec

Originally posted at Three Blog Night.

I am at home. Not my Oxford pseudo-home. My actual proper Swadlincote home. It’s 5am on Christmas Day and I think I fell asleep on the sofa some time around 12.30 and my dog just woke me up with his incessant barking and now nobody else is up and I can’t get back to sleep. He never barks like that unless there’s someone at the door. There wasn’t anyone at the door, but THERE ARE PRESENTS EVERYWHERE YOU GUYS SANTA MUST HAVE BEEN WHILE I WAS SLEEPING I AM SO EXCITED!

I haven’t finished wrapping presents yet. Also, when I say, “I haven’t finished wrapping presents yet” what I mean is, “I started trying to wrap presents at about 10.30pm and had managed to do four and cover my room in cellotape by 11.15pm and then I got my mum to do the rest for me because DIFFICULT and I still haven’t put gift tags on any of them and now I can’t remember which are for whom because THEY ARE DISGUISED BY WRAPPING PAPER WHAT A TERRIBLE INVENTION.” So Christmas will be a surprise for everyone this year. I hope my gran likes Skyrim.

This is very brief and I don’t have anything interesting to say. I’m mostly writing it because people keep complaining about how bad I am at keeping this thing updated. So here is an update. And now I am going to take my dog for a walk and then wait for my family to wake up and give them their presents and watch awful television and play with novelty gifts and eat too much and get drunk and probably break at least one ornament. Maybe before noon. Merry Christmas!

Christmas, exactly as it should be.

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